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Matins

by Dolmens

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1.
Emmaus 03:07
Seeing spots again by the kitchen sink chuckle nervously in disbelief weeks of blacking out, I wake up on the street check my pockets, hope I have my keys you declared your exit in some machine and so did I, clutching to the screen I swept my hair off the stoop and I went to sleep I bet you thought I wouldn't blink but sure, I skipped a beat, I batted a lash at what happened did we make a deal not to i look back at what you always thought was old fashioned and I realize now it was true. Every road's a chain, holy or a stain Jesus looks the same to everyone something to believe, to get you through the week to forget the plans that have been undone if I see your resurrection with my two eyes I'll invite you in for a meal but if you rot in that tomb that we laid you in will I just tell myself it was real what I felt in the deepest reach of despair is my wagon I pile everything inside and head West in a desperate attempt to find balance but that symmetry is a crutch that I use just to get me through as if order would bring you back I swing and slam back the door I stamp on the floor my will barrels through the corridor. When I make it out, something in me has changed I returned from San Francisco with an oyster shell I left my being there my heart sank like a diving bell. I look everywhere for your footprints within the dirt I hum as the memory swarms back when you were warm I still shiver at the thought of it I will never feel that good again.
2.
Concrete father, how about a new start my days kinda sift through the violent wave of hands no fossil remains there are steps setting bad precedents what was once such a handsome disguise parts ways with the lungs and the name, how do you recall years that are nothing now lines on the kitchen wall reveal no age, only a son that's gone toss that light in this hole grind your feet down into stumps of bone lay down in this pit and breathe in. Concrete father, desperate I've become again ain't no stop to the spinning one foot off the bed just to feel some control to feel magnetic North's sorcery there you'll be passing your smoke to me wisps of iodine on my lips this cycle on repeat vows to renew itself the tape rewinds and then plays again I've built a fortress in its undertow wade through carnage and flames from this year browbeating every breath hold this lamp to your ear, whisper a wish to it. Holy cauldron, stir the slumber wake me up I can't tell if I sleep or if the engine turns but don't run the set shifts places, the events don't change I try to alter the future but it always ends in these chains, in this cage. Chisel into stone, carve out a revenant a marble ghost at my open door grace my room like a star over Bethlehem a song of light pouring in two white arms holding me up again cultivate the unknown, filter the pain through it son, transform into brick, pray to the covenant you made to bridled horns when the lawn is your bedpost.
3.
The helicopter filmed you as you jumped off of the bridge two policemen reaching for your jacket it took all of the circumstance to do you in, I hope that as you plummeted, you began to change your mind you looked around for signs, you shrugged and let them flow I hope you thought of everyone on your way down, to sleep is to be dead I bring to life what you lost just then paper boats float down the cannery-side of the city, beside your building. The second that you hit, the laugh track echoed in the kitchen your mother's cooking supper by the television the neighbor in his underwear, yelling at his wife the smell of being lost out there like charcoal in the leaves cut up summer jeans, reckless without burden I hope you caught a whiff of that driving through the street. That's a bet, put my chips all in I took for granted almost everything it's hard to really say I watched in horror from a hospital bed there is no end, no end, you see only mystery, the place where you must be. The water popped your body as my cigarette went out I felt the shiver that rooster feels at first light a reminder of his lot in life, that this is not a dream. I wanted to believe that you had figured out a plan that you were coming back, that you'd see out the journey I hope you said the password, the moment of impact. What happened to you then? I only sleep when I don't think of it when I sleep you still exist although we mean nothing in the scope of things it makes no difference but I hope that you thought of me when you brought that last run home.
4.
Loudhailer 05:12
Dust changed youth wanes every chance that it gets I'll wait and hang on like a ghost in its ship, in-between your life and mine there's a vein that pumps its blood and somehow it lives in the pit of my gut. In two, split the body down, I gag at the sound, long hair and nails, a tin box with some pictures, I just can't bear to look, wait in my mail. A hard shake, my god is a miserable snake cassettes and dimebags at the foot of the bed when I get sick, the lamp turns bright when you enter, the cats go wild my room is a chamber of absolutes. What's true when the life I live is just piss and booze how do I do much else when each month just beats my heart black and blue goddamn you. The days change for better or for worse, I can't say it's just beige I don't care of anything that takes place there's a sapling taking root this autumn better repay what's due how soon until this husk of a man takes his shape? Like you, I was ripped away, like bark off a tree like skin off knees in two, split the body down, divide at the seams I can't look what happened to you?
5.
Built in a swamp with an open mouth shaped by the horseshoes and the hunting ground rooted in superstition ruined dirt always leaves an impression un color extraño one look forward, one behind you these two men inside me both want war a cave-in, crushing me gradually. Dead in a year, among other things it's nice just to hear you describing them born into your possession in your bed, counting down when I'll see you again ante up, lose my hand wince and pay fester in high dudgeon all through the day but you were an icehouse in the dead heat of May. Rinds cut in slices in the living room a bird in the hand and one in the coop a flash in the pan, over and over again I recognize the sleight of hand unearthed from the dirt fields you worked I am The Beast and I witnessed something magical un iman extraño all my plans dead by high noon I don't know who I am without you a cave-in, I'm caving in again over and over again.
6.
Horse Opera 03:33
Familiar loops on the table a galloping troupe touring April, I cradled the flame I fell into love like a major sinks into a minor, then carries ahead but I found it's a swing, a parabolic joust if I suffer, I do it in-house a mouse in a glue trap, held captive in a crown if I could trade my feet for a few days, for another Halloween I can hear you say "It's just a lifetime, go on, wait it out you'll find I never left your side by sunrise, it'll all seem a dumb dream." You lived every day like a sailor following the wind and waves for a good time I rode into this town like a failure whistling a tune on a horse, getting dirt in my eyes by nightfall I just want to float on your boat on the tide and head North until the land turns to ice and the broken eyes of the Lord turn their stare to the street that we lived on when the gutters got too clean at 1816 I don't care if I'm hungry we don't need any money we thrived in our lost urban gully as ugly as sin but a source of repair we grew up there, we grew out our native hair I shouldn't have left.
7.
Do what you want, I'm invincible draw the plans, leave them there for the "Shipbuilder" 'cause me, I was tossed in a carousel and I came out dizzy while you were climbing up the fire escape I was gathering the clues that you were nothing more than a figure at my door or an anchor cast ashore when I was thrown overboard you can lend me a hand lift me, promise all that you can, tempt me for a second there, I was vulnerable I forgot everything as I dipped in no sin in beginning again there's traces of you still within my language deep within my English. Free as a stone on a riverbed dressed all in white like a pastry chef I drove on a lark to the country's edge and I thought of dying look down at the village, tell me what you see a glimpse of what the future can bring you were nothing more than a skeleton with clothes I was too ashamed too look I hold your blocky hand it now is real, can I face it like a man I can be strong for a second there, I was not at all I forgot how to use my legs there's no shame in sitting down if you can't stand there's traces of you deep within my being speaking when I can't talk in my broken English.
8.
Sleepwalker 04:26
Still grieving his lost master two shades of a red in a spin and when I think of it now, it almost seems to form a ring a quiet believer living for the light in your eyes, the times you wore it thin. Some days I'm here, some I'm gone doing just enough to pretend even if I don't die doesn't mean I'm gonna live a sack of ash breathing either way I'm toeing the line I'm trying to go straight again. Walking in circles, dreaming of drinking a beer at your desk how you wanted that life a wild horse running through the strath a raw length of freedom instead of getting drunk by the stove a day we will forget. I come to in a hotel lobby halfway through a sentence I think when I look around I see how low a man can sink a stone in the ocean maybe I can change overnight a walk is all it takes. Now it is dawn, orange light filters in I can see everything rags hanging off, off of your skeleton well you're still alive to me a cramp in the dark, this age of discovery it became a guillotine a world made of walls, a marvel of masonry degenerate symmetry now that it is dusk, your skin is enveloping my hands feel coughed on tame this wanderlust, you home is a ball and chain a prison of bone and breath, of foam and flesh. A long afterglow, this temple is whispering the hum of a libertine I chose growing old over your fantasy but oh how I long to be a spark in your cold and empty reality do you see a light in me? Bare as a bone, a heart made of ivory weathered by a losing streak, now that you are gone, there's nothing here left for me now that you are gone how deep have you sunk, I can't live for both of us show me how to be something, anything.
9.
Fugue States 05:06
My mailbox is crammed full of postcards I've been gone for a while I can't help but long for the city, for the stress of the miles. I remember the last time we had spoken you had that look in your eye you burned the bridge as you crossed it, leaving nothing behind. Nine hills and a lottery a culture unlike my own into the ash heap of history, we are swept in as bones, as if from a great distance a voice like mine can be heard you shrug it off as illusion, just ahead of the curve. I might appear insincere but it's all int he way you think about me. I couldn't stick to my instincts they led the wrong way you heard me fixing the engines midnight take me, Jesus take me 'cause it's wrapped around like a Turin shroud everything that I believe makes no sense now if you had the best intentions how can I live knowing I let you down. I had one foot in the levee you had your ear to the ground you suffered more for your family than your body knew how I knew the days were taking a toll on you I was nothing but graffiti I shake my head, I bite my nails every day, I step foot onto the terrace. The parade crept by, I wanted to leave but I could never believe it could be so easy. The change of pace was a good one I stormed the city, you should have seen me I saw my youth disappearing God's black machete resurrects me it hacks away, but I don't feel safe just keep on thinking about the good old days the lies we told were common ground whatever happened then means more somehow each coming day is just a countdown now.
10.
Don't be scared, it's a garter snake it's the kind of life we don't have to take the grass that grows around your old estate is a symbol of the times where were you when I was an animal running by my side where was I when you were enveloped in the presence of a light? Where was I? Climbing snowbanks on New England streets chasing happiness the best I could each week now that's an idea we can put to sleep 'cause it's just a waste of time now I'm just a shell, I'm a dried up well I have no spine that I can wear this year was blinding, a battle no point fighting it stripped your family bare. Sitting silent in a long white chair your mom recounts her dreams like a pledge or a prayer "His life's inside me and his long black hair is woven into mine like a hurricane I could never tame, you knew him more than I, I wish that he would call me just like he used to and say 'Mama, I'm fine'". Almost a year now and Thanksgiving's soon I'm a man de-natured , just a lamp inside a room clusters of whirling smoke absorb the noon you know, a black hole can't be white if its will to die trumps its urge to survive but that's no way to live a life as dark as mine's been, you always managed to be a presence of a light. I follow the footsteps to the entryway two olive trees and lamp stands guard the city's gates just like you, in sack cloth, mossy gray ascend without a flinch be the lightning bolt, ride the tornado touch my forehead on your way become the fire as you leave the night behind you I'll never know a man as brave. Love leaves its stitches only to remind how fleeting time is when you are preoccupied it's so important working nine to five until that early morning call I have learned to live like I lost a limb your worth is measured in our lives I'm proud to have known you and to have been a witness to the presence of a light.

credits

released July 28, 2020

Recorded by Cameron Bina January 2019 and by Jaime N. March 2019 - January 2020.


CANTO II

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Dolmens Bangor, Maine

Lost Works

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